Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
