I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
