She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
