Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
