I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
