I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
