Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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