We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
