When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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