Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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