Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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