I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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