Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
