Kiss
Puke
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
