I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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