Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize