Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
