so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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