I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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