I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
