I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
