Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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