not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
it's like iHOP with fire
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
