When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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