I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
