I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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