I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize