I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
