um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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