During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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