Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
His nipple licking is glorious
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