The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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