We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
