I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
