So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
