I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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