I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
