I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
