This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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