Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
