my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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