The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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