If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
