My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
