We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
