Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
