Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
