he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Screwed.edu
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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