Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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