Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
