My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize