im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
