I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
