I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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