I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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