this beer tastes like vomit already
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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