I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize