I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
